When one door shuts, I get thrown out a window
This is a Part 2 of Like a Lightening Storm in the Brain.
To read Part one, please visit: https://www.writersespresso.com/post/like-a-lightening-storm-in-the-brain
Has anyone ever watched one of those medical dramas like Grey's Anatomy? Usually there's some crazy storyline or drama between the doctors and nurses- or maybe some rare disease. But, you know the part where the team is all ready to receive their patient and then, BAM! A flurry of movement, people shouting orders, one or two people trying to comfort the patient. That part of those programs are always accurate. What they don't usually get right is the response of the patient.
On October 10, 2018, I woke up a little late because I had work at 3pm, but I felt normal. Maybe a little groggy from work, but normal. I had work that day, so I started going through the motions of getting ready, or at least I would imagine that's what I started doing. The problem is, I don't remember much of the morning. I remember taking a shower, coming back into my room, and then nothing. Nothing, until pain woke me.
When I submerged from the comforting abyss of my mind, there was pain. Pain so intense, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like a weight was sitting on my chest and I couldn't get up. After trying, and finally succeeding, to wrench my eyes open, squinting through the blinding fluorescence, I froze. One of my worst fears in life was in motion. I could see the freedom of my independence slowly trickling away as the scene in front of me played out. The familiar urgent tones around me. Doctors, nurses, EMTs, and police all in my room, needing to speak with me when and if I woke up for a second. The second I made a noise, they leapt, not allowing me time to breathe, to think. That's all I needed, a second to trace back my thoughts. Did I remember my name this time? Give me a minute, it's on the tip of my tongue. Didn't they teach doctors that post-seizure you have to let the brain catch up? Still, they don't back off, making me answer questions right away. The stress. Did I do something wrong? Will this go in yet another file?
In slurring words, I tried to answer questions as my mind world in circles. The noise, it was too much. I only need one person talking. What's the date? I never know the date...October 2018? My name, age, city I lived in, where I worked. I need to call my boss. Someone, anyone call my boss. I can't afford to be fired. Why does it have to be so loud? No this isn't a suicide attempt. I was postictal. What's that? After a seizure, you aren't conscious but it can seem like a person's awake. Usually the person has fight or flight. I get both. What happened? A window? Really? Someone call my boss! Shit! I can't move my arm, you sign the form for me. No, I promise, I totally consent for you to do whatever. Put the pen in my hand and move my arm. Everyone here can witness that. Can you please call my boss! How bad is it? I can't feel my leg. My right leg. You want me to call someone? Fuck, it hurts! Yea, call my dad. But you need to call my boss first!
As soon as they heard that I couldn't feel my leg, there was the look. Anyone with any sort of experience with epilepsy, or any major hospital visit knows the look when you don't know the answer to a question or they see something on that monitor. The look of concern followed by what I assume are their attempts at keeping me calm. But it's too late. I saw the look. The look that says this is going to cost a lot of money. It's worse than we thought. You're in for the long haul. The false calm of their voice only aids to amplify the fear. Fear that I will never be independent again. I've had too many bad experiences after doctors use the tone. Just say it. Rip the bandaid off!
I remember my obsession with not getting fired. (The American workforce mentality am I right?) I barely remember talking to my boss and dad before they gave me enough drugs to pull me under once more. And then darkness. Sweet darkness cocooned around me- no pain, no emotion, just peaceful tranquility in the void.
Upon waking, I didn't feel any pain, thanks to the drugs they were giving me, but I knew something was wrong. My leg felt off, maybe out of socket? When I tried to move it, pain wracked through my body. A physician finally came in and told me what happened. Apparently after my seizure, I went out my second story window, landing on a brick patio below. My pelvis was broken in two places- they were going to place three rods in my pelvis to put it back together. I remember laughing hysterically at the news. How was I going to pay for all this? I was already in medical debt from my last trip to the hospital. This was so not my day. And then, just as the doctor and nurse were leaving my room, I was informed that my dad had called to say he would be here the next day.
I knew what he was going to say, the lecture I was going to get, and I knew in the depth of my mind, that this chapter of my life was closing, but I didn't know how drastic
To be continued...
For more information about Epilepsy, please visit the Epilepsy Foundation at