Coping with Death

I'm not sure why I am writing this. I have rage, depression, numbness and hysterics. I walk in circles, memories flooding my brain, snapshot images of their faces and absolutely nowhere to go with my feelings. I want to destroy something but what would that accomplish besides me having to clean up the mess? I want to scream at someone. Anyone. I want to wake up and be relieved that it was only a nightmare but I won't. This isn't the first time I have ever felt like this. It was only a few years ago that my sister died a tragic death and I was in an awakened state of a nightmare. People would say to me all the time "it will get better with time." Well, that's bullshit and I hate when people say it. It never gets better, you just learn to live a new way. You learn to live with a gaping hole in your heart. You learn to live with the anxiety attacks and the difficulty breathing. Sudden outbursts of tears and a sadness so profound it leaves me feeling empty. No, it doesn't get better, it just becomes your new normal way of life.

March 23rd will forever be burned into my brain like I had been branded. I dread that day. I dread my sisters birthday, and every holiday in a calendar year. And if I didn't mention it, I hate every day in between. Songs from our childhood play randomly on the radio which causes me to breakdown. Someone bumps into me at a store and asks me how my brother and sister are and I just stare at them. How do answer that? Geez, well my sister is dead so I'm gonna say she is great! More often then not I simply say everyone is fine and go about my business while silently screaming inside. I've learn to adapt to my new way of life without my sister. I'm less likely to rip someone's head off when they ask me that question. But I would be lying if I said I was okay. I'll never be okay again.

I have always been the baby of our family. I was born into this world surrounded by my parents and by my brother and sister. For 47 years my world was round. A smooth circular disk. Of course, there were bumps in the road but nothing I couldn't handle. And when life threw craters at me, I had my siblings. Then my sister died, my smooth imperfect world was torn asunder. The hand I had reached for my entire life when the waters got deep was no longer there to clutch. Somehow my brother and I learned to adapt. Or maybe we didn't and we just told ourselves that we did. We called each other more. We faced time. I wrote him little notes and sent them to his house. He had become my everything. I could talk to him about our sister and he would understand because he remembered. Then on October 26th, 2020, God took him too. One second here. Next second gone.

I question my faith. Faith? How am I suppose to keep my faith? Will God punish me for my faith faltering? I think he already has. I can't do this. I can't be on this earth without them in it. Everything now falls on my shoulders. Every single memory falls on me. I visit my parents everyday to keep them going. My mom is broken, my dad is silent and I am completely lost. Their hands are no longer there for me to hold on to. I'm no longer a baby sister. I am alone. My sister's hugs gone. My brother's smile gone.

It won't get better so don't tell me it will. Don't ask me why I don't smile anymore. Don't assume I have my shit together because I don't. My face may wear makeup, I might be dressed normally, and the grocery shopping gets done but I'm not that same woman anymore. It's a facade. A shell. When the sun sinks behind the mountain, the curtains are closed and another day has passed. The cracks break through and the shell falls to pieces to the floor. I scream. I cry till snot runs down my face. It's ugly. I'm ugly. There is no beauty inside of me anymore. That's how I feel. That's the truth. Don't tell me to get over it. Don't tell me I don't feel this way, because I do. If you can't handle how I feel just imagine how I feel. You don't have to speak. Just sit with me. If you see me and I don't seem myself it's because I'm not. Hold my hand, punch the wall with me, hug me, or if you can't then turn around and walk away. I can't handle what I'm feeling let alone deal with how you feel about me.

Coping with death sucks. Learning how to cope sucks. It's okay to say it. IT SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS......... Patrick Watson sings a song called Here Comes the River. Listen to it. --SrS

-- Lyrics --

The windows turned to fishbowls

The city to seas

The cars were drowning underneath your feet

The children were swimming from the top of the trees

Crowds of umbrellas were staring in misbelief

Well Mary kept sewing

Holding on to her tv

Even if the water was rising past her knees

Here comes the river

Coming on strong

And you can’t keep your head above these troubled waters

Here comes the river

Over the flames

Sometimes you got to burn to keep the storm away

Sometimes

Sometimes you got to just

Nobody told you that it was going to be this hard

Something's been building behind your eyes

You lost what you hold onto

You’re losing control

There ain't any words in this world that’s going to cure this pain

Sometimes it’s gonna fall down on your shoulders

But you’re going to stand through it all

Here comes the river coming on strong

And you can’t keep your head above these troubled waters

Here comes the river over the flames

Sometimes you got to burn to keep the storm away

Sometimes

Sometimes you got to just